Last night, as I was sitting in the rocking chair, nursing Lilah at her second waking of the night at 4am, I was so frustrated. She would nurse and fall asleep. As soon as I went to get up to put her into bed, she'd start to squirm and fuss. I'd sit back down and start over again. You see, I HATE hearing babies scream at night. I really don't like hearing them cry during the day, but at night it's a BILLION times worse...especially when you have wood floors that echo like mad, AND another baby in the room right next door that you desperately do not want to wake up. So I did this ridiculous circus act not one, not two, but three times and she would NOT go into her crib without a fuss. I lost it. I told God off. I know, it's horrible and yes, I did ask for forgiveness, but at the moment, I was at my wit's end! If HE blesses me with these precious children, I feel strongly that He should also bless me with the REST I need so that I can care for them. I don't want to be irritable and tired with my children. I don't want to lose my temper with them because I'm running on less energy that I need. And I cannot afford to get sick because my immune system is compromised because I'm not getting the rest I need. I'm doing MY part. I'm going to bed early--well, as early as I'm "allowed" (Lilah has been screaming when I put her to bed at night and I usually don't get her down until close to 9:45pm). I'm sleeping in as late as I possibly can--which hasn't been very late lately. But I was very frustrated. I was tired, it was 4am and I just wanted to be back in my warm, cozy bed...sleeping *not* like a baby. I was thinking of the verse that says that He gives sleep to those He loves. I said to Him, "You must not love me then!" I put her to bed, let her cry and climbed into bed. She fell asleep within 5-10 minutes and slept until *gasp* just after 7am--exactly what I BEGGED God to allow me--a 7am waking rather than having to bring her into bed with me and struggling to sleep for the rest of the morning (which is my BEST sleep time of the entire night--when I'm not disrupted).
So today I was driving and listening to Nathan Clark George (who I HIGHLY recommend) and it was Psalm 127 he was singing. Ah ha!
2 In vain you rise early
and stay up late,
toiling for food to eat—
for he grants sleep to those he loves.
This is the verse I was thinking of...I didn't know WHERE in the bible this verse was located. But the irony is in what follows:
3 Children are a heritage from the LORD,
offspring a reward from him.
How interesting that "He grants sleep to those He loves" is followed by a verse reminding us that "Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a REWARD from Him"!! I need a renewal of faith and of trust in HIS plan. He will grant me the sleep I need...I need more faith. He is so good to me that even though I was so horrible to Him, He blessed me with sleep to the exact time I had prayed for...and I FINALLY had a night with NO baby in bed with me for the entire night for only the 3rd time since Lilah has been born. For the record: I am NOT a co-sleeper. I do NOT like co-sleeping. I've done it out of necessity and, other than seeing her darling sweet face when I wake up in the morning, I have not enjoyed it. She is finally in her own room so I don't hear every peep she makes and I'm working very hard on keeping her in there--full time, so last night was a huge blessing. I guess God DOES love me after all...even if I wasn't nice to Him. Thank you, Lord. I appreciate You and your blessing of sleep...very, very much.