Wednesday, December 29, 2010

He's just a baby!

Today my day started on the rough side. I was helping the girls with their scrapbook stuff they got for Christmas and taking the pages apart proved to be a challenge I simply was NOT up to first thing in the morning...especially before breakfast (as my blood sugar was plummeting, so was my attitude!). Luke was being, well, a boy and Aaron was fussing. I lost my temper, I raised my voice...I was not operating with the meek and quiet spirit I want to have. In short, I failed. Aaron was fussing, so I took him upstairs, swaddled him and put him in bed. He started wailing. Usually he's fine...he may fuss a bit, but usually he'll fall right to sleep (staying asleep is another story), but this time he screamed as soon as I left the room. I went back, gave him his paci and left. Again, he CRIED. I had to do something so Savannah went up for me. She was singing to him (even though I had specifically asked her just to give him his paci and leave), and she said that every time she tried to leave, he would cry. I had to let him cry for a few moments because I was in the middle of something. When I went up there, it was the same thing...cry, cry, cry. I was SO frustrated. I feel like I just can't get a break these days. Every moment is so full, so demanding and so frustrating. I finally gave in and made a bottle and went to him, picked him up and gave him his bottle....he fell asleep within minutes and took a decent nap (for him-probably around an hour). As I sat there, holding my precious little blessing, it dawned on me: He's just a baby! The poor little guy. I expect so much from him because I'm spending so much of my time fighting off the angst of having ANOTHER baby in 5 months. What will I do if he doesn't sleep like a dream? What will I do if he doesn't put himself to sleep on his own??!?!! And I lose it. But as I looked at that sweet baby face, and kissed those darling little cheeks I thought, "WHO CARES?!?!" Who cares if I'm giving him a bottle and rocking him to sleep? The poor guy...he's just a silly little thing who needs his mommy's love and snuggles. He doesn't know that he's supposed to sleep independently. He doesn't know much of anything. All he knows is that he's happier sleeping in mommy's arms than anywhere else...only 6 months ago he was in my tummy, in that perfect, warm, happy little world of his...and now I expect him to be independent??? I thank God for this little bit of insight...I'm still very freaked out about having 2 babies...but I know I will get through on God's grace alone. I know intellectually that that is the best way to get through life, fully dependent on Him and His grace...but in reality, it's a very scary prospect. As I lie in bed, listening to Aaron fuss for the 8,952nd time that night, I wonder how in the world I'll ever do it...I wonder WHY does it have to be so hard when God KNOWS I have these other blessings to care for. I beg and plea for a full night's sleep...and I have to trust that His grace is sufficient...and that He knows best. It's really hard.

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