This evening I was clearing the table after dinner, and Abby looked at me and said, out of the clear blue, "Mommy, you're a good mommy!". AWWWHHH...then Savannah said, "Mommy, you're cute!" Wow! All I was doing was clearing the table, but it was a much-needed boost on a somewhat difficult day. You see, the girls had one of those legendarily HORRID nights last night. I don't know what it was, but it was just a bad night. First I could not fall asleep because Luke wasn't moving as much as I would have liked him to. I find that with each pregnancy, I get more and more paranoid about the health and safety of my baby. I've heard too many horror stories to remain naive. Our neighbor lost a baby at 36 weeks gestation last year. It was a very, very sad thing. When I was pregnant with Savannah, I didn't think twice about anything bad happening to her. Miscarriage wasn't even in my vocabulary. It was something that happened to women who had serious health issues or something like that. Then I entered the web community and started "talking" with women from all over the world, and realized that miscarriage happens VERY often. So when I got pregnant with Abby, I worried. But once I hit 12 weeks (the stage when the chances of miscarriage significantly decreases), I was fine and didn't worry anymore. Then I heard story after story of women losing their babies well into their pregnancies and even full-term babies. Then when it happened to our neighbor, it really hit home that it can happen to anyone. God doesn't guarantee any set period of time we get with our children. Even after they're born, we have no control over their lives, their health, their well-being. Yet another thing I need to learn to put into His hands...and trust that He knows all, and has a perfect plan I can't even begin to fathom.
But I digress...I was having a hard time falling asleep because Luke wasn't moving as much as I would have liked (Hmmm...maybe he'll be my easy baby and actually SLEEP at night?!?! One can always hope, and pray!). Then when I finally dozed around 12:30 or so, Savannah came in. She told me she had a dream that Brooke (the neighbor's girl) fell into a river and drown. Sheesh, what a nice dream for a little girl, eh? So I prayed, tucked her back in, etc. She was up at least 3 more times after that...she just could not settle. She climbed into bed with me, I know she was hoping she could sleep with me, but hey...at this point, I've got about 2 comfortable positions I can sleep in (if that) and having a child in bed with me does not accommodate those positions to say the least. So I snuggled her, prayed over her, etc...and then put her to bed. She thought it was magic because next she remembers was waking the next morning. (I say Praise God!) If only that was the next thing I remembered...unfortunately when she fell asleep, the games started with Abby. Abby was "scared", then there was something else...then I think I dreamt I took her potty, but that could have been real...who knows when you haven't slept all night...the mind does weird stuff. Anyway, FINALLY she went to sleep, then Jeremy woke up and every small sound he made woke me because I was afraid it was the girls. *sigh* So today, I was very tired...just a little glimpse into life with a newborn again...oh, I'm so not ready!! God please bless me with the ability to handle it!!
So when my girls told me that I was a good mommy, it really made my day because today was one of those days where my patience was very limited, my nerves were on edge and I was feeling like a bit less than the mommy I'd like to be. Thank you, Lord for those precious moments with my children that remind me of the sweetness of motherhood, and why it's all worth it. And praise God that even though I'm far from the mommy, wife and women that I would like to be...I'm getting better (by God's Grace) slowly--ever so slowly. Having children definitely develops those fruits of the spirit...but I definitely wish that I would have realized the importance of leaning on the Lord and surrendering to the Spirit CONSTANTLY BEFORE I had children.
Another thing I wish I would have developed...ROUTINE. But that's a totally different topic (but if I didn't list it here, I'd never remember that it's a thought I'd like to revisit in the not-too-distant future)