As of tomorrow, I have 4 weeks until my due date...I'm officially under the one month until my due date mark, so things are definitely, quickly closing in! I think it's about time I started thinking about getting ready for this little blessing to grace us with her presence. I'm excited. I'm looking forward to going into labor, I can't wait to see her sweet little face and to have another tiny blessing in this house. But I'm also scared. I'm fearful of my ability to do what needs to be done, to maintain my sanity and my patience and to be a good mommy to the precious gifts I already have. There are times lately when I'm tired, I'm sore and I just want peace and rest when I lose my temper with my children. Yes, it's "justified" because it's usually over things my children should be doing and didn't...or because they're taking their sweet time doing it, but that in no way makes it okay for me to lose it with them. I ask for their forgiveness many times a day and thankfully, they're always quick to forgive and to ask for forgiveness in return. I recently hung up a list in their bedroom reminding them of their nightly routine. The last thing in the list is, "Have you asked for forgiveness for any wrongs you may have committed today?" It's such a wonderful reminder for all of us to look back over the day and to recognize that perhaps we HAVE done something, offended someone, and need to seek forgiveness before we go to sleep. It's a great reminder for me too as I tuck them in and they ask for forgiveness of each other or of me, I reflect on the wrongs I've committed and hold those sweet little souls tight and tell them that I too am a sinner in need of a Savior...that we are FELLOW sojourners on this path to glory and that we ALL sin and fall short of the glory of God. I need that reminder always.
So back to the being fearful part. Last Sunday I went to church and the sermon was about fear and lack of faith and the sinfulness associated with that. Putting myself in the place of God and trying in my own strength to accomplish what He has put me here to do. I know I cannot do it on my own, He knows I cannot do it on my own and He never expected me to. It was a refreshing sermon and a much needed reminder that He has placed me on the path I am and He will enable me to do what I need to do. He has given us this wonderful gift, this sweet little eternal soul (and all of the other ones I already get to hold) and He will give me the ability to do my duty to raise them up in the way they should go. It is in my weakness that He is strong...that I may become less and less and He would be more and more in my life. It is through the struggles and my submission to His will and His plan that my children will see Him more and more clearly. And that, my friends, is what it's all about. It's not about me having it all together. It's not about my home being clean and smelling nice and having fancy meals on the table. It's not about well-groomed children, a rich home school curriculum or daily nature walks with my children. It's all about the raw realness of life. The struggles, the temptations the trials...and the strength of our VERY REAL Savior who works through the gift of His Holy Spirit that He placed within me when I received Him as my Savior. It's about seeing mommy fail and get back up again, ask for forgiveness, get on her knees and seeking the power of the ALMIGHTY that my children will grow and learn and thrive in this crazy world. That is what it is ALL about.
So while my fears focus mainly on my lack of ability, my tiredness and my lack of faith that it will all work out, He is seeking to refine my character through these trials...and who am I to stand in the way of progress? This is what I need more than ANYTHING else on this planet: refinement, relinquishment of "my" control and absolute reliance on His strength and ability to overcome ANY obstacle I may come up against.
Now, I must get a shower and get some much needed rest...I had a fantastic Mother's Day and cannot imagine being more richly blessed than I am already...soon I will continue on the thought of prepping for baby in a more tangible way--bedding, meals, etc. Right now I just need to remember that the real preparation is going on in my heart.